sitting in your kitchen

i am sitting in your kitchen with your oody dog thnking about you and how go damn confused youve got me.
i am not usually one to let the elphant in the room live very long.
those kind of animals in my books have short lives.

but i am silenced.
frogs in my throat, nerves like butterflies
in my head the dramatic corny lines whisper and i yell back at them

I AM FAR TOO INVESTED IN THIS
I AM FAR TOO INVESTED IN THIS

i am sitting on your shoulder
just along for the ride
observing your many lives
as you pass by mine

we agree, we rarely disagree
sometimes i dont know what you mean
but i am still mesmerized
you make me take back the things ive sworn by
things i sometimes believe

the things at the core of me

i am sitting in your kitchen
silently brewing
silently hoping
the thing we did you might regret for all i know
silntly wishing
it might happen again

Forms of Life

Part Une

((( Pretext Note: the advertising for Pray Eat Love inspired me. ok not so much the advertising as the title, but the advertising made me aware of it's existence. The title lead me to wonder if I wrote a something-like-a-mantra for how I live my life what would it include? I then changed my cell phone greeting to : Risk (Smile) Try (opps I ruined the mystery of which one I am! oh well I'll live) I then began to mentally investigate if I could explore another persons headspace through these kind of life sytle mantras and gain valuble insight on their psychology and life choices, not to mention their behavior...... -_- It became a examination of a number of people who have been dear to me, or are dear and... one or two who arent.... I hope you enjoy it)))

Risk (Smile) Try

Success is measured by joy gained. She tries but does not embody, She wonders if that's the point.

Knowledge (Opinion) Humane

he has found a home at an early age, bound by truth he valiantly stands tall.

Amusement (limits) Self

He chooses what he believes to be true and chooses to believe that's free will.

Ignoring His limits, he breals through his Strengths.

Freedom (Smile) Imagine

She lives her world the way it fascinates her.

Without the larger picture it takes her breth away.

Logic (Explore) Grow

In her box she positions the world around her to supply her with beautiful views.

The power suppressed drains oxygen from her surroundings.

Build (Love) See

His eyes are clear but his life has not, he looks through a bright pink pane.

he's the kind of man who never walks away.

Laugh (Trust) Unrestrained

She wears her shirts on the ground and her soul through her lips, limbs and eye looks.

She'll never look back, not even to learn, She'll spend her time smiling instead.

Passive (Depleted) Loyal

He stands for what he was taught, Though it got him nowhere.

He believes in the dust fibres Though they do nothing but Bore him.

Pleasure (Pride) Relentless

She wasn't taught to grow, so she doesn't.

She wasn't taught to love, so she doesn't.

She won't see the use in learning, so she won't.

Dream (Act) Earn

He knows he has what I want.

He doesn't bother to hide, but the words not spoken are earned words of shame and inaction.

Jump (Love) Judge

The mves of accuracy precede him.

As well as the blueprint of thought.

he looks with love but does not think

the part of him I love, The jump is always instinctive.

Try (value) Escape

He'll compete but he will not win

he'll preach but he will sin

he'll value til it hurts

and when he looses he will run.

Laugh (Explore) Defend

the act is the urge to explore not gain.

the laugh is the cover to the regret without lesson.

The defense is every instinct gone awol.

Pride (Logic) Softened

never admit you are wrong! never back down!

My mind is worth more then my heart, cept it kepps me beating.

I will not be defeated in front of anyone... But few.

Follow (Laugh) Love

He believes what he's told because everything else scares him

he hates and loves all in himself and the world that represents that.

he'll continue finding joy even when there is none.

and that's what I wanted to find out.

Part Deux

((( Pretext Note: After writting these things I realized these people have very unique effects on me, or have been unique influences on my life. I preceded to try to encompass these effects in a simple statement... simple but strong and honest. I was very satisfied after this writting session because i felt a new level of honesty with myself as well as a new found insight or perspective into others. We truly do all share a similarity in being human.)))

You make me hot

You make me cry

You make me Wonder

you make me feel like I matter

you make me feel misunderstood

You make me Question my outlook

you make me Pity you

you make me want to leave the room

you make me watch

You make me feel safe

you make me the rebel

you make me live my dreams

you make me weep

you make me consider forgive and forget

you make me strive and think

A Lil Decision

part one: i went treeplanting and discovered i hate alot of things about the popular, media, culture and lifestyle(s)

part two: i come back to civilization and become emersed in all these things. 5 tvs in one house is too much.

part three: i become depressed and fristrated by the lifestyle return.

part 4: (today) i decided as much as i want the cabin in the woods, no tv screens n junk, thats not where i am RIGHT NOW. so just kick back, stop shitting on the present.

thought of the day

Im supposed to be enjoying myself yes? yes.
my job, i enjoy the ppl iwork with, I have great friends, acquaintances, lots of things going on. I have goals an art exhibition for the month of january, and I will be travelling as soon as I can afford too. I have a good relasionship with family. All that aside, i forgot to have fun. to be amused. to keep a sense of humor. I am 21 and am letting certain individuals bring me down, burden me. Upon realizing this i immediately felt relieved and detached at the same time. There is definately a part of me that is mourning the loss of what these individuals once were, but at the same time, the past tense there is just so present, it cant be ignored. its unfortunate when fun things get derailed, but once theyre not fun anymore theres no sense pulling it back on the rails because its not going anywhere.

just the thought of the day.

John Muir

After watching a biography special on PBS I became very intrigued by John Muir. He was a great man and spoke to the nature lover within myself. If it wasn't for hom alot of the California wilderness that is being preserved, would have been built over, tarmac, sky scapers, etc. He made a difference in the world. He was very spiritual in his approach to wilderness and celebrated the beauty of nature by living in it. His lifestyle inspires me. Perhaps the life I want for myself is not so far off, is not so impossible in this age. I hope to read his published books at some point, though I am usually immersed in almost a dozen reading projects at a time, so who knows when I'll get around to it! He published 16 full books and approx. 18 magazine articles during his lifetime. See the provided website for full titles and sources of articles.

http://www.yosemite.ca.us/john_muir_writings/

vocabulary. Words. Etymolgize.

There are some pretty entertaining, clever, colorful slang terms out there. Some really quirky ones arent uswed nearly enough. take "stellar" for instance. very under used. oh you'd like me to use it in a sentence? "That sure is a stellar sweater grandpa!" Also the short for for radical, "Rad", as used by 1980s surfer of Long Beach California. Ever since I was a young preteen girl drooling over Tom Delonge, Rad just has a special ring to it. For example some commonly used words that could be substituted with "Rad" are "awesome!" , "cool!" and "wicked!" These kind of terms are boring. And will not impress a girl on the first date. casually slip any of these original slang terms into your everyday vocabulary and you'll get tons more "Hanky Panky!"

Monday Wanting, Yesterdays Missing

I miss moving around. I miss the excitement, the rejuvenation and the feeling of leaving your past behind. When i move around I feel as if Im gettting a fresh start all the time, that everything that has gone wrong in the past is wiped from my record. I can pretend to be someone else even.
I want a hammock, so i can sleep anywhere I want. I may be backpacking Europe with a very good "friend" of mine in the new year, perhaps I will take a hammock and just sleep in that.

but I miss the summer I had, I miss treeplanting, I miss not knowing where my life is headed. I told myself I would settle down a bit, keep a job, maybe even work full time, or more. But Im restless. I feel like Im missing out on something. I always feel like the excitement isn't where I am no matter what. Constant wandering eye syndrome, except this is worse. Im not just wandering onto people or friendships or jobs, I am wandering into lifestyles.

I shouldnt call it "worse". I dont feel guilty about it, in fact I feel the opposite. To me it's a lust for life, not wanting to miss anything, any opportunity that may come my way. Im always ready to take chances and throw things away on a wild bet, just in case this new exciting path is the one Im supposed to be on. But there isn't one clear cut path, you can go wherever you please. And that's just it, I want everywhere. every path. So i end up wanting... all over myself.

haha but really, im getting a kick out of it, so so what?

Technology smology

After living with as little technology as possible I have come to the conclusion that ITS A WAY BEETER EFFING LIFESTYLE THEN BEING A TOTAL TOOL!

no really, thats my conclusion. I felt so much more focused and productive. Our culture is far too saturated by mindless entertainment. video games are a little different because its problem solving, resourcefulness and skill building at times, but only slightly. facebook I also find to be useful for me personally because all my close friends are far away at the moment, therefore new friends will be made.

the first few days was especially tricky, because technology is so common place and I had become (and has become) so dependent upon it. I also found myself more active, enjoying the outdoors more often and more enthusiasticlly.

Anti- Technology Oath

I, Amber McMahon, swear to live the next ten days without modern technology to the best of my ability. Without things like Facebook, DVDs, Music players and others*, I believe my life will become more purposeful, more productive and alot less depressing. I will record and journal and observe my life and behaviors over the next ten days, and thereafter on the 9th of September I will report back, my findings.

Amber McMahon August 30th 09
-------------------- --------------------
Signature Date

*With the exception of job hunting at the library on the internet, and checking my hotmail inbox. because I desperately need employment.




YAY! for socail self inflicted experiments! ever I came back from treeplanting I missed the absense of technology. People didn't facebook when they were bored, they hung out with each other when they were bored, they got up to mischeif. It was a brilliant lifestyle, and I personally believe technology has grown far too involved with our everyday lives, we are far too dependent on computers, and movies, video games, etc. for entertainment, self medication and communication. Im rather excited for the next ten days actually.

Learning Come Together

so I've been attempting to learn Bass Guitar. (attempting being the most important word used here) I'm having alot of trouble because I have always just sang. This is alot easier for me, for obvious reasons, your body does the work, instead of your mind. Anyway this is the tab and program I'm using to help me with it, I've been doing better, now It's just getting up my speed to play along with it.

http://www.songsterr.com/a/wa/song?id=2933&track=bass

Claim Your Sainthood

The voice sickeningly kind.

Fake and nervous. Stop the people pleasing.

Who taught you to be yourself.

Must have been the church.

Saying one thing, clearly somethng else.

The actions selfish, claiming sainthood

Take your guilt trips from my shoulders, I can't hold them.

We can only hold ourselves.

Call out everyone on your self reflection

Hasn't your shrink been saying the same thing for years

Too kind eyes, irritating droopy

searching for the pity it craves

Live off something else!

Don't make everything a problem

and learn to ask for help.

The words chosen too carefully, founded in fear

you've grown so numb, whose to know

when you're being profesional

and when you're being yourself

so damn stifled, you did it too yourself

go ahead and claim your sainthood

Every saint with jumbled obligations

and no love stand up

Every god with guilt trips

rise and witness

yes, that'll do, thank you

Whose left but the atheists, the pagans and the heretics.

The only ones with clean conscious

and all accepting no racial tenedencies

the friends who'll burn in hell fire together

instead of alone

The voice sickeningly kind

the 1st symptom, too kind eyes

You've let them in your mind.

Don't bother thinking,

that function is uneeded

and for the ones who do

we'll keep repeating holy words until they sink in

until they must be true

The too kind words that slip out of pouty lips

such sweet patronizing tones

with crass implications

well aren't you a dear

you're much too kind

until you're up there on the cross

above the others.

lifestyle buzz

I gave up everything, and now I have the whole world to explore. "The things you own, end up owning you" So I live with almost nothing. and almost no one.

Silver Spoon Smith

Prenote: So I decided I should probably start really using this blog instead of just letting it exist, here's some free writting I started while treeplanting. It began as just an outlet but it has grown into a fully formed idea in my mind for a short novel, it's basically about god if god wasn't aware he was god. But I call him Smith instead. It's title in progress is Silver Spoon Smith, enjoy!


His brown hair flowed like art nouveau and the sting of hot water fell down his back as he screamed she knew he loved it. The images in his mind only added to the intensity.

"This is what having a boner must feel like"

The dust on the walls and the grime on the their bare feet shivered in shock. real life has a way of imprinting itself on it's surroundings. For generations to come young children will be sent to fetch in the basement and scamper their way back upstairs from a sudden and unexplainable chill. The feeling of being followed, stalked, hunted. As adults we talk our way out of it, logic is the antidote to fear and all fear is irrational. As adults we are built by logic. logic and order, simple reasoning is what makes us human. Except when your body is slowly being stretched and torn and tested and you like it. Like Smith. Smith loved it. But he didn't like that he loved it. Most peolple dread physical pain but Smith loves it. It's the emotional confliction in the aftermath that always trys him. The disillusionment, the final curve in the downward spiral, the moment he thinks, fuck I've done it again. and I'm alone to blame for my own foolishness.

She was more then hired and less then clothed. He couldn't see her so he imagined her. The friendship had come as a surprise. But the more he got to know her the less he cared.

3 o'clock, time for the whippings, but the tray felt lighter today, she gave too much wrist. The corner hit a tupperware and silver spoons were scattered across the cold concrete floor. Big, little, decorated and plain, soup spoons, ladles, desert spoons and cavier spoons. Each representing a member of the familt tree, each individual and characterisitc of it's living or non-living counterpart. Each utensil had evolved with the corresponding entity, growing from a small insignificant slice of silver to a fully formed and functional, personalized spoon. Smith had one. HIs didn't grow atthe rate the others had and he had recently been increasingly concerned by this. There was no fairy of spoon knowledge to ask. No parents to enquire to, only remnants and artifacts. He was never told why the spoons existed, only that he would be king and he should be good. That's all he got.

words.

i can feel your words
pounding in my ears
all i want is to make you smile
and dedicate songs
write as many words as i know
for the way i feel
four letters and a million reasons
why am im here
why I'm not leaving soon
why youre the one
who changed my mind.

Which Art Form?

my creative pursuits have always been my top priority, that and overall balance, growth and expanding. But how to decide which creative pursuit is the most worth while or even, best fitting for me? There's writting, Visual arts, and within that there are many different visual arts to pursue, There is dance, a completely new and unfamiliar area for me, but none the less of much interest. Life is such a rich and interesting thing. So many things I want to do and it just always feels like there won't be enough time.

then why am I spending it on the computer? good question....

night then!

Comfortable - one single act of violence

I am comfortable with everything youre not.
and herein lies the reasons for you're cold manner and lack of wit.
wear your animal tides on your sleeve
instead of tucked away and shamed.
Pan wasn't just another bedtime story,
he was the life lesson of your life,
Learn this and you may be free.

one single act of violence does not define me.
it is not such a heinous thing.
to be hurt and swing.
the red eyes and lasting fever,
these are the evil parts,
in evryone they're found
just a matter of how deep and hidden
its the limits in which they reach.
thats the danger.

one single act of violence.
that does not defy me.
these things you see me as.
theyre just the parts in yourself, you fear
i wear them out and about
upon my sleeve where they are seen.

thats why you expect the ugliness
i open my mouth and you expect harsh words
i whisper in the corner and you assume cruel intentions
i move suddenly and you flinch.

(... if you were standing there, looking through a looking glass made of scar tissue, do u think you'd seem strange too?.. yes i do ... )

but because of this youre blind to it.
the beautiful things too.
for every person has red eyes
and gentle palms
the red eyes that can destroy
and the gentle hands that help you heal
but like the tv guide
and video games
everybody plays a role in your mind.
we re either one 2d type or the other
and heaven forbid we re neither.

i am not my one act of violence.
i am but a symbol
to you and all your friends.
...of the thinking for yourself.
...of the wear flaws where others can see them
of an ugly time in my life...
that ill always be remembered for.
and thats all.

or at least just by you.

by you and all your friends.

(others, they can see the things you can't)

Our Tall Tale of Such Great Highs

So i'm a writer of sorts.. poetry or lyrics or (although rare) i write some fiction short stories too. here's one piece ive been working on. It's somewhere between free form poetry and lyrics.

Our Tall Tale of Such Great Highs

(. .In The Beggining. .)
(. .The Fresh Flesh. .)

I saw your silver lining for just a second...

I swear you were smiling, maybe I pasted that on.

The soft sheets on the sleazy fouton

didn't matter where, just who.

You were the ocean after the drought,

soak my skin and make me drown.

as long as i need not come down.

It wasn't you,

it was the chemistry, it effected me,,,

for five days or more, , ,

your face and firecrackers outside the door.

(In The Centre. .The Middle)
( The Centre Scar Tissue)

wake up everyday w/ a stomach ache

to go to school to see you, another heartbreak

some drunks like booze

who needs it when i have you?

some addicts need needles

I only needed loose belt loops

take the 12 steps it takes to the door

and my monster always calls me back for more....

sidenote:
the third and perhaps the final chapter in our tale is a very rough draft at the moment, so beware, much editing is still to come.

(The End is a Clean Slate)

you were always the floor that fell below
the person I could count on to bail
but when youre gone you leave a hole
that no one else fits into
I like to think my stupidly idealistic
matches your hopeless romantic
you either find love you can live with
or you find love you can't live without.

I am in it for keeps.
no playing around anymore.
eye on the prize and im lookin at chu

dont bail. dont fail.
learn to earn it and we'll both be better for it
we just have to be fair this time.
if you have loyalty to me, then i have loyalty to you.
If you have kind words for me, I have them for you.
As long as youre good, then Im good.
thats the deal no take backs.

you were the floor that fell below
but whoever said hell was beneath was wrong,
we fell home, when we fell in love.
be the person I can count on to fall into

take care of me
ill take care of you
give no more then you take
and give no less then receive

learn to earn it and whats left is a happy state
learn to earn it and what youll get is a clean slate