I miss moving around. I miss the excitement, the rejuvenation and the feeling of leaving your past behind. When i move around I feel as if Im gettting a fresh start all the time, that everything that has gone wrong in the past is wiped from my record. I can pretend to be someone else even.
I want a hammock, so i can sleep anywhere I want. I may be backpacking Europe with a very good "friend" of mine in the new year, perhaps I will take a hammock and just sleep in that.
but I miss the summer I had, I miss treeplanting, I miss not knowing where my life is headed. I told myself I would settle down a bit, keep a job, maybe even work full time, or more. But Im restless. I feel like Im missing out on something. I always feel like the excitement isn't where I am no matter what. Constant wandering eye syndrome, except this is worse. Im not just wandering onto people or friendships or jobs, I am wandering into lifestyles.
I shouldnt call it "worse". I dont feel guilty about it, in fact I feel the opposite. To me it's a lust for life, not wanting to miss anything, any opportunity that may come my way. Im always ready to take chances and throw things away on a wild bet, just in case this new exciting path is the one Im supposed to be on. But there isn't one clear cut path, you can go wherever you please. And that's just it, I want everywhere. every path. So i end up wanting... all over myself.
haha but really, im getting a kick out of it, so so what?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Technology smology
After living with as little technology as possible I have come to the conclusion that ITS A WAY BEETER EFFING LIFESTYLE THEN BEING A TOTAL TOOL!
no really, thats my conclusion. I felt so much more focused and productive. Our culture is far too saturated by mindless entertainment. video games are a little different because its problem solving, resourcefulness and skill building at times, but only slightly. facebook I also find to be useful for me personally because all my close friends are far away at the moment, therefore new friends will be made.
the first few days was especially tricky, because technology is so common place and I had become (and has become) so dependent upon it. I also found myself more active, enjoying the outdoors more often and more enthusiasticlly.
no really, thats my conclusion. I felt so much more focused and productive. Our culture is far too saturated by mindless entertainment. video games are a little different because its problem solving, resourcefulness and skill building at times, but only slightly. facebook I also find to be useful for me personally because all my close friends are far away at the moment, therefore new friends will be made.
the first few days was especially tricky, because technology is so common place and I had become (and has become) so dependent upon it. I also found myself more active, enjoying the outdoors more often and more enthusiasticlly.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Anti- Technology Oath
I, Amber McMahon, swear to live the next ten days without modern technology to the best of my ability. Without things like Facebook, DVDs, Music players and others*, I believe my life will become more purposeful, more productive and alot less depressing. I will record and journal and observe my life and behaviors over the next ten days, and thereafter on the 9th of September I will report back, my findings.
Amber McMahon August 30th 09
-------------------- --------------------
Signature Date
*With the exception of job hunting at the library on the internet, and checking my hotmail inbox. because I desperately need employment.
YAY! for socail self inflicted experiments! ever I came back from treeplanting I missed the absense of technology. People didn't facebook when they were bored, they hung out with each other when they were bored, they got up to mischeif. It was a brilliant lifestyle, and I personally believe technology has grown far too involved with our everyday lives, we are far too dependent on computers, and movies, video games, etc. for entertainment, self medication and communication. Im rather excited for the next ten days actually.
Amber McMahon August 30th 09
-------------------- --------------------
Signature Date
*With the exception of job hunting at the library on the internet, and checking my hotmail inbox. because I desperately need employment.
YAY! for socail self inflicted experiments! ever I came back from treeplanting I missed the absense of technology. People didn't facebook when they were bored, they hung out with each other when they were bored, they got up to mischeif. It was a brilliant lifestyle, and I personally believe technology has grown far too involved with our everyday lives, we are far too dependent on computers, and movies, video games, etc. for entertainment, self medication and communication. Im rather excited for the next ten days actually.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Learning Come Together
so I've been attempting to learn Bass Guitar. (attempting being the most important word used here) I'm having alot of trouble because I have always just sang. This is alot easier for me, for obvious reasons, your body does the work, instead of your mind. Anyway this is the tab and program I'm using to help me with it, I've been doing better, now It's just getting up my speed to play along with it.
http://www.songsterr.com/a/wa/song?id=2933&track=bass
http://www.songsterr.com/a/wa/song?id=2933&track=bass
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Claim Your Sainthood
The voice sickeningly kind.
Fake and nervous. Stop the people pleasing.
Who taught you to be yourself.
Must have been the church.
Saying one thing, clearly somethng else.
The actions selfish, claiming sainthood
Take your guilt trips from my shoulders, I can't hold them.
We can only hold ourselves.
Call out everyone on your self reflection
Hasn't your shrink been saying the same thing for years
Too kind eyes, irritating droopy
searching for the pity it craves
Live off something else!
Don't make everything a problem
and learn to ask for help.
The words chosen too carefully, founded in fear
you've grown so numb, whose to know
when you're being profesional
and when you're being yourself
so damn stifled, you did it too yourself
go ahead and claim your sainthood
Every saint with jumbled obligations
and no love stand up
Every god with guilt trips
rise and witness
yes, that'll do, thank you
Whose left but the atheists, the pagans and the heretics.
The only ones with clean conscious
and all accepting no racial tenedencies
the friends who'll burn in hell fire together
instead of alone
The voice sickeningly kind
the 1st symptom, too kind eyes
You've let them in your mind.
Don't bother thinking,
that function is uneeded
and for the ones who do
we'll keep repeating holy words until they sink in
until they must be true
The too kind words that slip out of pouty lips
such sweet patronizing tones
with crass implications
well aren't you a dear
you're much too kind
until you're up there on the cross
above the others.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
lifestyle buzz
I gave up everything, and now I have the whole world to explore. "The things you own, end up owning you" So I live with almost nothing. and almost no one.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Silver Spoon Smith
Prenote: So I decided I should probably start really using this blog instead of just letting it exist, here's some free writting I started while treeplanting. It began as just an outlet but it has grown into a fully formed idea in my mind for a short novel, it's basically about god if god wasn't aware he was god. But I call him Smith instead. It's title in progress is Silver Spoon Smith, enjoy!
His brown hair flowed like art nouveau and the sting of hot water fell down his back as he screamed she knew he loved it. The images in his mind only added to the intensity.
"This is what having a boner must feel like"
The dust on the walls and the grime on the their bare feet shivered in shock. real life has a way of imprinting itself on it's surroundings. For generations to come young children will be sent to fetch in the basement and scamper their way back upstairs from a sudden and unexplainable chill. The feeling of being followed, stalked, hunted. As adults we talk our way out of it, logic is the antidote to fear and all fear is irrational. As adults we are built by logic. logic and order, simple reasoning is what makes us human. Except when your body is slowly being stretched and torn and tested and you like it. Like Smith. Smith loved it. But he didn't like that he loved it. Most peolple dread physical pain but Smith loves it. It's the emotional confliction in the aftermath that always trys him. The disillusionment, the final curve in the downward spiral, the moment he thinks, fuck I've done it again. and I'm alone to blame for my own foolishness.
She was more then hired and less then clothed. He couldn't see her so he imagined her. The friendship had come as a surprise. But the more he got to know her the less he cared.
3 o'clock, time for the whippings, but the tray felt lighter today, she gave too much wrist. The corner hit a tupperware and silver spoons were scattered across the cold concrete floor. Big, little, decorated and plain, soup spoons, ladles, desert spoons and cavier spoons. Each representing a member of the familt tree, each individual and characterisitc of it's living or non-living counterpart. Each utensil had evolved with the corresponding entity, growing from a small insignificant slice of silver to a fully formed and functional, personalized spoon. Smith had one. HIs didn't grow atthe rate the others had and he had recently been increasingly concerned by this. There was no fairy of spoon knowledge to ask. No parents to enquire to, only remnants and artifacts. He was never told why the spoons existed, only that he would be king and he should be good. That's all he got.
His brown hair flowed like art nouveau and the sting of hot water fell down his back as he screamed she knew he loved it. The images in his mind only added to the intensity.
"This is what having a boner must feel like"
The dust on the walls and the grime on the their bare feet shivered in shock. real life has a way of imprinting itself on it's surroundings. For generations to come young children will be sent to fetch in the basement and scamper their way back upstairs from a sudden and unexplainable chill. The feeling of being followed, stalked, hunted. As adults we talk our way out of it, logic is the antidote to fear and all fear is irrational. As adults we are built by logic. logic and order, simple reasoning is what makes us human. Except when your body is slowly being stretched and torn and tested and you like it. Like Smith. Smith loved it. But he didn't like that he loved it. Most peolple dread physical pain but Smith loves it. It's the emotional confliction in the aftermath that always trys him. The disillusionment, the final curve in the downward spiral, the moment he thinks, fuck I've done it again. and I'm alone to blame for my own foolishness.
She was more then hired and less then clothed. He couldn't see her so he imagined her. The friendship had come as a surprise. But the more he got to know her the less he cared.
3 o'clock, time for the whippings, but the tray felt lighter today, she gave too much wrist. The corner hit a tupperware and silver spoons were scattered across the cold concrete floor. Big, little, decorated and plain, soup spoons, ladles, desert spoons and cavier spoons. Each representing a member of the familt tree, each individual and characterisitc of it's living or non-living counterpart. Each utensil had evolved with the corresponding entity, growing from a small insignificant slice of silver to a fully formed and functional, personalized spoon. Smith had one. HIs didn't grow atthe rate the others had and he had recently been increasingly concerned by this. There was no fairy of spoon knowledge to ask. No parents to enquire to, only remnants and artifacts. He was never told why the spoons existed, only that he would be king and he should be good. That's all he got.
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